Ambrose Bierce

"Cabbage: a familiar kitchen-garden vegetable about as large and wise as a man's head."

Fran Lebowitz

"You're only as good as your last haircut."

Lillian Gordy Carter

"Middle age is when a guy keeps turning off lights for economical rather than romantic reasons."

James Thurber

"Why do you have to be a nonconformist like everybody else?"

Joseph Conrad

"Being a woman is a terribly difficult task, since it consists principally in dealing with men."

H. L. Mencken

"Democracy is the art and science of running the circus from the monkey cage."