Wilson Mizner

"There is something about a closet that makes a skeleton terribly restless."

Billy Graham

"The only time my prayers are never answered is on the golf course."

Alice Roosevelt Longworth

"If you haven't got anything nice to say about anybody, come sit next to me."

Alex Haley

"Anytime you see a turtle up on top of a fence post, you know he had some help."

William Lyon Phelps

"If I didn't start painting, I would have raised chickens."

Bob Hope

"If I have to lay an egg for my country, I'll do it."

W. C. Fields

"I cook with wine, sometimes I even add it to the food."

Orson Welles

"I have an unfortunate personality."

Walt Disney

"I love Mickey Mouse more than any woman I have ever known."

Sam Levenson

"Insanity is hereditary; you get it from your children."

Will Durant

"Education is a progressive discovery of our own ignorance."

Charles Kettering

"If you want to kill any idea in the world, get a committee working on it."

Ambrose Bierce

"Cabbage: a familiar kitchen-garden vegetable about as large and wise as a man's head."

Fran Lebowitz

"You're only as good as your last haircut."

Lillian Gordy Carter

"Middle age is when a guy keeps turning off lights for economical rather than romantic reasons."

James Thurber

"Why do you have to be a nonconformist like everybody else?"

Joseph Conrad

"Being a woman is a terribly difficult task, since it consists principally in dealing with men."

H. L. Mencken

"Democracy is the art and science of running the circus from the monkey cage."

Natalie Wood

"The only time a woman really succeeds in changing a man is when he is a baby."

Woody Allen

"Time is nature's way of keeping everything from happening at once."

W. H. Auden

"We are all here on earth to help others; what on earth the others are here for I don't know."

Imelda Marcos

"I did not have three thousand pairs of shoes, I had one thousand and sixty."

Henny Youngman

"I told the doctor I broke my leg in two places. He told me to quit going to those places."

Jack Benny

"If you don't mind, it doesn't matter."

Lillian Hellman

"People change and forget to tell each other."